Cow "Tails" -- Literally

Thursday morning I got up and started getting ready for the day. I had been hearing "noises," but didn't think anything of it. I hear noises all the time. I was in the bathroom and I started getting a little concerned b/c it sounded like someone was going up and down my front porch - and almost ready to come through the house.

I hate that, "I'm so afraid I can't get my legs to move" feeling. Once I finally got my legs to move I headed for my bedroom window so I could look out the blinds and see if there was a vehicle in my driveway. What happened next was a total shock to me.

My blinds are vertical and instead of using the rod to twist them open, I stuck my hands in the middle and separated them, with my face nearby so I could get a good look at what was in my driveway. When the blinds spread apart there were 2 (TWO) COW HEADS on the other side of the glass lookin' straight back at me.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I screamed and jumped backwards (and almost fell)!!! Breathing quite heavily, I thought -- What in the WORLD!! So I went back to get a second look. Feeling rather confident seeing as there was a house separating me from these ginormous animals!! To my utter (ha ha) horror there were FIVE (5) cows, other than the two that decided to greet me, with their heads crammed into my trash burn barrel!! Ahhhhhhh!!! Oh my word Oh my word Oh my word!!! (I use to get sooo upset at Rebecca for saying that excessively, but at the time, other than screeching, that's the only other thing that actually made it out of my mouth!)

I ran to get the phone. (*Squealing the whole way!*) Wouldn't you know it -- no phone on the phone base . . . which is hilarious in retrospect b/c I get soooo frustrated when my parent's phone is never on its base! ;) - I'm turning more into my parents everyday!! - So I ran to my craftroom and got the phone from there. I dialed my pastor's # as I was running/squealing/panting back to my bedroom so I could supervise the situation.

You can't see it, but my burn barrel is in the middle of them somewhere!

A - yeah! Not the smartest one in the bunch. That says DANGER there buddy!!

Oh My Word!! They're by my car!! This is not suppose to be happening!!

A view I never thought I'd see in a million years!! Cows right beside my car!!

Phone Conversation:

Me: HellopastorthisisJessicaI'mtryingtoremaincalmbutI'mnotverygoodatitOHMYWORDthereareSEVENcowsinmyyardandIhavenocluewhattodo!!OhmywordcanyoupleasecomeoverhereIhavenocluewhattodo!!Ahhhhhh

(Translation (which Pastor didn't get - he had to decipher it on his own!):

Hello, Pastor, this is Jessica. I'm trying to remain calm but I'm not very good at it. OH MY WORD!! There are SEVEN cows in my yard and I have no clue what to do!!

Pastor:

Well, You need to figure out whose cows they are.

~ silent pause ~ *thinking to self -- uhhhhh, and how does one go about doing this?? Oh my Word!! Does this mean he's not going to help me out on this one -- I HAVE TO DO THIS ON MY OWN!??!?!?!?!?*

Me:

Ihavenoclue!There'snofarmaroundhereclosebyit'sallwoods!!!

Translation:

I have no clue! There's no farm around here close by! It's all woods!!!

Pastor:

I'll be right over.

*Hang up phone* Squeal/scream/pant some more A few more oh my words.

While I was waiting for him to arrive - which seemed to take an eternity - I was running from my bedroom window, to my living room window, to my guest bathroom window keeping an eye on things, snapping pictures, and squealing/squeaking/panting/flipping out/repeating Oh My Word!! Yes, it's always a good thing to remain calm during situations such as these. One could make a pretty sure bet on knowing they will never see me on SURVIVOR!!

So what did I see?? *sniff* Well, one of the first things I noticed was this. One cow was walking away from the burn barrel across my front lawn, so I was watching it. I thought, if this farmer comes to get 7 (SEVEN) cows -- he WILL be leaving with 7, NOT with 6!!! I wanted each head accounted for. So I followed this stray as he walked towards my car, and that's when I saw the others!! There were 3 more grazing on the otherside of the house by the front door where my car was parked.

A lot more screaming and OH MY WORDS came out at this time. Then more started coming. Lord, Lord, I am not equipped for this. Ohhhhh, why is this happening!!?!?!?!?!? (I am sooo not a drama queen. Yeah!! I keep things cool, calm, and collected let me tell ya!! HA!) This is also why I was running to 3 different windows - that's how many views I had to take in to keep tabs on everything.

One cow lifted his tale and I started to yell at the window "DON'T YOU DARE EVEN....."(think about it, was what was going to come next, but the descending poop from his butt stopped my yelling in midsentence!!!) "UGHHHHHH!!! I AM SOOOOO EATING MORE HAMBURGERS THIS SUMMER!!!!" I yelled that out loud as he did his stinkin' doo-doo right by my garage -- couldn't even do it on the grass!!! Then 2 cows decided to headbutt eachother and start a little fight -- like I didn't have enough to freak me out about having them in my yard!! Then a group of five got together and decided to try to knock down the garage door. OH MY WORD!!!!

Pastor's status -- Must have taken a wrong turn - still not at the house. OH MY WORD!! Where is HE!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh Doesn't he know I can't handle things like this!! Maybe I shouldn't have been so calm on the phone!!! (ha ha ha - that was a joke!)

I couldn't take anymore. I didn't know if there were more on the sides of the house with no windows. I called Angela. Started semi-crying just a little - VERY stressed!! She suggested I call the landlords mom, who lives right up the road from me.

Phone conversation with Janet (landlord's mom):

Janet: Hello

Me: Hi Janet, this is Jessica from up the road.

Janet: Well, goodmorning, How are you doing?

Me: (*pitiful voice*) Well, actually, I have a bit of a situation this morning. You see, there are 10 cows in my front yard and I have NO clue what to do. Pastor's on his way, but I can't think of where they belong. Do you have any idea?

Janet: 10 COWS????

Me: (*same pitiful voice*) Yes!! :( *Sniff*

Janet: *chuckle chuckle*

The rest of the conversation were names I didn't know, and what not, she said she'd call around. Pastor arrived while I was on the phone with her. Only then did I venture out onto my porch.

He gets out of his van saying they're more afraid of me than I am of them.

ha ha ha ha ah aha hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Funny!! I didn't see them scream and run when they stared back at my from the window!! All I said was, funny - they say the same thing about mice - and these AREN'T MICE!!!!! (and I'm scared of mice too!!!)

They were skiddish actually when he started saying yah, yah to them. He picked up my burn barrel, and was walking around trying to see where they came from.

Some shots from my front porch when Pastor and Janet arrived.

See, I'm brave when people are with me -- and there's a barrier between the animals and me.

And yes, I did notice - they weren't as HUGE as I initially thought - but scary to me non-the-less!!

We pretty much figured they were from a farm to the south of me quite a ways. I have no clue why they'd venture down my driveway - but they did! I talked to April after school and said it's funny how the Lord works. I've been thinking for a few days now. Hmmm, I wonder if I have to mow my own lawn? And also, my burn barrel's gettin' kinda full - I wonder what I'm suppose to do with those ashes! I didn't even pray about it - and the Lord sent 10 cows to graze on my grass, and eat up all my ashes. Of course, I never thought about fertilizer, but maybe He just threw that in as an extra!! ;) ha ha

Once they had tortured me enough, they just lined up and sauntered down the driveway as if they had finished what they came to do, and now they'd be on their way!

A few cow pies later - everything was quiet again.

Needless to say - I was late getting to school - but boy, did the student's ever enjoy the story!!