That's the Last Time I Read a Label!

I am not big on reading labels. I am aware of this shortcoming and am trying to improve. However, over the weekend, this new effort backfired and I cursed the day I decided to change!

My cousin was in town for Labor Day and the whole family went to check out a cute little cheese shop down the road. It was amazing! There was a broad selection of samples; which, I think the adults loved as much as the kids! We were pleasantly surprised that they offered more than just cheese. They also carried jellies, syrups, butters, chocolates, candies, and a small selection of meat.

After grazing for a time, I finally decided on an Amish Garlic Roll Butter, Amish Molasses Roll Butter, shoelace licorice (for my nephews), and mini buckeyes! (On a side note, for as much as I love cheese, I thought it quite humorous I didn't purchase any!  smh)  As I was walking around I spotted a package of regular-sized, individually wrapped buckeyes (which I prefer over the minis). My eyes Lit. Up.!! I love buckeyes ... love. love. love!! I decided to be a "wise" consumer and research which one gave me a bigger bang for my buck! The minis were $9 a lb and the others were $4 a lb.  Hands down -- the individually wrapped buckeyes won!  I was so excited to get home and rip into them! (I couldn't do that in public because it wouldn't be ladylike to eat like a ravenous bear around the general population!  haha)

We weren't home for very long when I pulled out my beloved buckeyes and I broke the seal to expose all the peanut butter, chocolaty goodness. Oddly enough I got a whiff of caramel apples. A slight warning sounded in my head. I thought maybe they made 'flavored' buckeyes now, and I feared I had grabbed the wrong package. I took a purposeful sniff and realized something was desperately wrong! By this time all sorts of alarms are sounding in my head!

I quickly pulled the package to the front label and read: "Caramel Apple Cream Bullseyes". What? What is this? 

My brain could not comprehend what I was holding. In my eagerness to get the most for my money, I purchased something I had NO desire to have. I was so upset.  Upset that I spent money on something I didn't want, took good time looking at the BACK label w/out double-checking the Main label, and I was standing there wanting to taste peanut butter and chocolate swimming in my mouth and that was not going to be happening now!

Arlene and my cousin seemed unimpressed that I was freaking out about my purchase. Come to find out, they KNEW I had picked up caramels. When I learned they thought I was just going to try these bullseyes instead of getting buckeyes I almost fell over. When have I ever chosen caramel over chocolate?! (They obviously have much better vision - I did not notice a difference.) We were all standing in the kitchen together laughing at this whole scenario!

Since I'm a slightly dramatic person I have been sharing this story w/anyone who has a few minutes to listen. Mostly as a warning so others don't make the same mistake!  haha

 ~ • ~ • ~

Tonight, when I got home from work there was a package waiting for me. I rarely get mail, so a box shipped outside of my birthday or Christmas is Highly unlikely! I have been waiting for a package from my insurance company, but not the size of this!! I thought a padded envelope is all they'd need to use. Imagine my surprise when I looked more closely.

My friend D, that just moved to Jersey, sent me a special box of Buckeyes from Harry London!  :O  When I opened the box it was like a cooler inside - including 3 ice packs that were still frigid!  I cannot express how incredibly loved this made me feel.  I was smiling SO big.  D made everything all better even though she couldn't be here.  Now I don't want to eat these buckeyes b/c they represent SO much that has moved SO far away!  If I were a "punny-person" I'd definitely call this a "bittersweet" moment.

My Cup Runneth Over

I love bragging on the goodness of God.  It may be my #1 favorite thing to do!  Even when things aren't going as planned, God is still there, and his hand can still be felt.

Since moving in February 2015 I have not been settled.  I didn't find a job until November!  :O  When I did, it was part time and temporary as a seasonal employee.  I was quite certain I would only be kept on until maybe the first week in January.  Thankfully, everyone that was hired on as Christmas help was given continued employment; no longer with a temporary-seasonal status.

At the same time, my poor Goldie needed TLC that I just could not give her.  I am not a car person.  Beyond fueling and changing fluids I am of no use when it comes to car maintenance.  I was using one of my brother's cars with the goal to save enough money to purchase my own car; then, either find full time employment, or work another job in hopes of moving out on my own.

One of the hardest moments for me was selling my Goldie.  So many people had left my life, and as odd as it may seem, that 'car' was a constant in my life.  She was always in the garage with the same dents and markings.  The evidence of all we had been through together.  Every pickle that we had gotten in that God had used Goldie to keep me safe and protected.

After that moment, life felt very empty.  Very.  Everything around me was someone else's.  Nothing seemed to be going right; for months!  There were more negatives than positives with my job as well.  The drive to and from work was over an hour, and my shift was usually about 4 hours.  The pluses were:  I *LOVED* the company I worked for, and I had such great co-workers.  I hated to think of the time when I finally would have a car and move on.  I knew I couldn't stay part time and make it.  There just wasn't any way.

Day after day I was asking God to show me what he wanted from me.  I was trying so hard to stay faithful in the little things, and to keep praising him through this 'uncomfortable' time in my life; but it was getting harder and harder.  I was starting to get negative views regarding staying at this part time job.  But then, I was approved for a new position with more responsibility.  Unfortunately, there was a definite lack of incentive which was discouraging.  I had to keep singing:

I just keep trusting my Lord

As I walk along

I just keep trusting my Lord

And He gives a song

Tho' the storm clouds darken the sky

O'er the heav'nly trail

I just keep trusting my Lord

He will never fail

God has proven to me over, and over, and over, and over, and over again that HE is the Most faithful, constant in my life; yet I have to remind myself he will never fail me!  Keeping things in the correct perspective is a mental battle.  Anytime I was given extra hours at work:  "Thank you Lord for the ability to work these extra hours".  Anytime my hours were cut:  "Thank you Lord for all the other hours I was able to keep".  Anytime I messed up:  "Thank you Lord I was shown mercy".  Anytime I saw accidents on my way to  work:  "Thank you Lord for watching over me and getting me to work safely"!  I love, love, love proclaiming my gratitude of God's greatness anytime I get the chance.  My rule is:  If I "think" it; "Say-it!"  (◄ In regards to praising the Lord!  haha)

For Christmas, my friend Donna gave me a journal to keep a record of my blessings.  Not only have I thoroughly loved writing about God's goodness in my life, but it has been such a rejuvenating source for my spirit - revisiting moments of praise during seemingly difficult parts of my life.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago.  As I was feeling completely overwhelmed and heavy-hearted a co-worker, who has become the person I look forward to seeing the most at work, asked how my car searching plans were coming along.  They weren't coming along and I didn't even want to share how dismal everything was.  But bit-by-bit the whole ugly truth came out.  She then told me she had a car she could give me for a price that fit very nicely in my lil' budget.  For the first time in a very long time I saw the black clouds that had been looming over my head begin to turn merely grey.

Shortly after this time, I was pulled into the office at work and asked if I was still interested in full-time.  yes, yes, yes, yes, YES, YES, YES, YES!!!  My boss said he knew I was looking around so he just wanted to know if it was even an option for me.  Can I say perfect timing?  I knew with a car I would "have" to start looking elsewhere, but now that wouldn't be necessary!  I could stay with the company I loved and the co-workers I was becoming very fond of!  Now those grey clouds were brighter and there was a little bit of silver lining.

Then last Thursday arrived.  The end of August.  I met my co-worker so we could have the car title notarized at the bank.  After that I drove my 'new' car to work.  I called my dad all excited!!  I couldn't talk for long b/c I had to start my shift, but I told him about the car, even though I didn't have many facts to share b/c I didn't know them myself.  So, so, so very happy.

About 2 hrs. later my boss told me my code wouldn't work for overrides, so if something were to come up I would have to call one of the managers.  Not gonna lie.  First thought was:  "Am I in trouble?  Did I do something wrong?"  Not a very good feeling.  A little while later I was asked to go back to the office.  Going to the office is similar in "Sinking-Stomach-Feeling" to being called to the principal's office in school.  (Although, I was home-schooled, my father was my principal; so I think I have a fairly good understanding of the feelings one might experience!)  All I can say is, the following moments were All. God!

I was told our store had excelled and advanced to a new bracket.  We're the first one in our district to have grown this way.  With this growth new full time, and other positions had been created and they wanted me to fill one of those positions.  :O  I cannot even explain how I was able to stay in my seat.  There were all sorts of fireworks and cheers and showers of confetti going on in my head.  Forget black, grey, and silver-lined clouds -- now there was ONLY sunshine!!!!  Thank. You. JESUS!!  Full-time, increased pay, health benefits (after 90 days), 401k, and on and on.  I had been praising the Lord for all the little things in my life, but my heart was still heavy with a burden I couldn't lift myself.  But now, now my heart was so light and bursting at the seams with immense relief.  My words of praise were coming wholly from my heart, not just my mouth.

After leaving the office and talking briefly about some logistics, I turned around to find my co-worker that blessed me with the car, looking at me with a happy face and giving me two thumbs up.  I could not keep it in anymore.  I started bobbing my head up and down and started jumping over to her.  I said, while still jumping, I really want to give you a hug right now, but I know you have space bubble issues so I need to you some high fives!!!  I do not even want to know how utterly ridiculous I looked, but I didn't care then, and I don't really think I care now either!  :P  I feel like I was up leaps and bounds above the ground, when in reality, I probably only was up like 4 inches!  Ha!

It has been ages since I was that carefree and lightheaded from such an overwhelming feeling of hope!  Even though I was walking on the ground, I seriously felt like I was floating above the world like a Smiley-Face helium-filled mylar balloon!  (Yep!  That specific!  :P )  My friend asked if I comprehended what this meant, and I had to be honest and say it was too much to take in.  This is a game-changer.

I came home and started jumping around in circles (again) while squealing!  When I could finally speak I said, I feel like a real-human now.  For the first time in over 3 years!!!!

Empty Seat

Thanking the Lord for this man; praying more will follow his lead.

Rep. Steve King explains why he left his seat empty for #SOTU - headed to Members Chapel to pray for the unborn pic.twitter.com/RD1eyU8DPB

— Charlie Spiering (@charliespiering) January 13, 2016

Post-Budget Shopping

New Year -- New Goals. Some seem like repeats .. such as "Stick to a Budget". Dave Ramsey's "Every Dollar" has been helping me give each of my dollars a name so I don't spend what I don't have. Well, today I said, "No" to a pair of boots at checkout b/c I went over budget. Although I was willing to squeeze some things around to make it work, I had calculated incorrectly and the total was MUCH more than I was willing to spend. Not too long ago, I would have chalked it up to a "life-lesson" to calculate better Before getting to the check-out next time.

I tried several other shops, to no avail. The last shop I stopped at before 'giving up' brought something unexpected. I was walking to the door and heard what sounded like an air compressor hissing. I looked back and saw a car in the handicap space with its back tire going flat, literally, before my eyes. The store didn't have a PA system, and when I left the car was still there. So I wrote out a note that said I just wanted to bring this to their attention, and that I wanted them to be safe.

As I was driving home I wondered if someone had prayed for the handicap-driver to be safe today, and God used me searching high and low for a silly pair of boots to get me to that store so I could leave a note. Selfishly, I then prayed, "Lord, can I please find what I'm looking for now!" :P

Started searching online, and finally found what 'seems-to-be' the "perfect" pair. Again, it was a little over budget, but Definitely manageable; and I Have to add, the budget I set was INCREDIBLY low for a pair of boots!! I was just 'seeing if God would surprise me w/a miracle'. When I went to make the order, not only were the boots on sale, there was free shipping, and I remembered I had a gift card with an additional promotion code as well!! My out-of-pocket total was $7.10 LESS than the ridiculously low budget I had set!! God is SO good, all the time -- even in the little things.

And ps ~ Thank you Lord that I did not have a flat tire, but that you put me in the place to warn someone who did!

If You're Happy and You Know It

This afternoon my 8 yr old nephew came to me all down-in-the-mouth that this is the "30th Worst Day Ever".  I was slightly confused because, for one, nothing remotely terrible had happened, and two how did he know to rank it under 29 previous bad days??  I tried to turn the situation around by saying - has someone you loved died? No.  Are you sick?  No.  To which he interrupted me and stated he knew things could be worse and that's why he said it was his "30th Worst Day Ever", emphasis on the thirtieth.

Sighing, and inwardly rolling my eyes (because, although whatever happened must have seemed devastating in his eyes we Both "really knew" in the Great scheme of things, today may not have been outstanding, but in no way was it as terrible as he was making it out to be) I turned to face this little 'learning moment' head on.  I said, "Give me a number.  Any number!" in an upbeat, game-show host tone.  I was hoping he wouldn't say 3 or 5.  And boy, was I ever lucky.  Almost TOO lucky.  He popped out with an almost sarcastic "EIGHTY!"  I chuckled deeply, and said "OK!  Here ya go!" and handed him a piece of paper, and a pen and said, "Now, write down 80 things you are thankful for or that make you happy."  The look on his face - Priceless.  At first he joked around about throwing the piece of paper away, and then he got choked up with watery eyes and stubbornly did not want to participate.  I didn't respond to his 'un-enthusiasm' - I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and began writing 80 things that make me happy, or that I'm thankful for.  He joined me with a *humph* and started doodling; and I said out loud the first few things I wrote down.  It wasn't long before he giggled and the first sign of him coming out of his funk appeared.  Pretty soon he asked me for a new sheet of paper.  When I looked at what he had been writing, all I saw were a bunch of scribbles.  Gladly I complied, and his imagination started going as quickly as mine.  He asked for help spelling: possessions, and by the time he continued we were BOTH laughing.  No time for pity-parties here!  There is TOO much to be happy about!

Later, when I told my nephew I was going to share my list, he suggested I say I have 160 things I'm thankful for and type out Both lists!  If you're happy and you know it - Share it!  :)  I think it's funny how similar our lists are, and I only shared my top 5 with him.  Some of the things he listed were very thought-provoked and I was pleasantly surprised, and proud.  And then there are the typical child-like items that keep-it-real!

My day wasn't necessarily 'bad' but I will say, after beginning to write out my list, which I only did to get him started, I realized how many little things I am happy for.  At the beginning of this 'daunting task' I thought, I am going to have to name every. single. candy bar to finish this project, because 80 things isn't something to sneeze at!  In the end, I didn't even name One candy bar!  I felt like I could KEEP going.  Although some things are a little more on the silly side, and the list definitely isn't in order of importance, I feel More blessed than when I woke up this morning just for taking the time to think of the Simple Things in my life that bring a little bit, or a Whole Lot Of, J * O * Y!

I think it would do this world some good to sit down every day and write a list of what we're thankful for.  It can change your perspective instantaneously.  From ordinary, mundane, stressed, depressed or whatever the case may be, to simply:  Blessed.

Here's to following II Thessalonians 5:18a a little more purposefully.  "In every thing give thanks..."

80 Things that make Jessica Happy - or that she's Thankful for!

1. My Niece and Nephews
2. Laughter
3. Playing Practical Jokes
4. Strawberry Shortcake
5. Sweet Tea
6. Hugs
7. Chocolate
8. Sandals
9. Warm Breezes
10. Hammocks
11. Comfy Clothes
12. Watermelon
13. Sweet Corn & Creamed Corn
14. Old Movies
15. Memories
16. Stationery
17. Quilts
18. Perfume
19. Flowers
20. Friends
21. Color
22. Hot Water
23. Family
24. Adventures
25. Beautiful Places
26. Butterflies
27. Lightning Bugs
28. Mice-Free Zones
29. Strong Men
30. Positive Attitudes
31. Sunglasses
32. Healthcare Providers
33. Fruit Trees
34. Gardens
35. Porch Swings
36. The Ability to be Active
37. Swimming
38. Hiking
39. Photography
40. Tears
41. Washers & Dryers
42. Fresh Canned Goods
43. Homemade Food
44. Church
45. Truth (Bible)
46. Freedom
47. Babies
48. Q-tips
49. Lotion - Saves Lives!
50. Learning
51. God's Promises
52. Salvation
53. Grace
54. Love
55. Healing
56. Cheese
57. Candles
58. Orchestras
59. Relaxing Nature Sounds
60. Piano/Music
61. Forgiveness
62. Change (Positive Ones)
63. Compassion
64. Hope
65. Heirlooms
66. Vintage most-Anything
67. Angels
68. Planes, Trains, & Automobiles
69. Pillows & Blankets
70. Home
71. Bed
72. Locks on Doors
73. Trials - to learn from
74. Bloopers
75. Sharing
76. Organization
77. Crafts
78. Tweezers/Wax
79. Toothbrush
80. Ponytail Holders

80 Things that make "C" Happy - or that he's Thankful for!

1. Family
2. Food
3. House
4. Bed
5. Possessions
6. Underwear
7. Money
8. Friends
9. Electricity
10. Salvation
11. Jesus
12. Coupons
13. Stores
14. Sunglasses
15. Environment
16. Boots
17. Chocolate
18. Toilets
19. Call the Midwife theme song
20. Jokes
21. Cats
22. Dogs
23. Fish
24. Church
25. Backyards
26. Pillows
27. Cotton
28. Soap
29. Bathtubs
30. TV
31. Privileges
32. Rides
33. Blankets
34. Towels
35. Freedom
36. Knowledge
37. Birds
38. Hammocks
39. Washer
40. Dryer
41. Basket
42. Mistakes
43. First Aid Kits
44. Life
45. Cartoons
46. Roses
47. Daisies
48. Daffodils
49. Air Conditioning
50. Restaurants (Fancy Ones)
51. Heating Pad
52. Books
53. Bible
54. Curtains
55. Ways to Earn Money
56. Tools
57. Fun Things
58. Ways to Thank God
59. Shoes
60. Dry Erase & Washable Markers
61. Hair
62. Socks
63. Energy
64. Vitamins
65. Good Memories
66. Bulletin Boards
67. Chalkboards & Dry Erase Boards
68. Musical Instruments
69. School
70. Play Places (ie. Parks)
71. Libraries
72. Games
73. Eyes & Ears
74. Comfy Clothes
75. Fabric
76. Paper
77. Paddles
78. Cool Places to Visit
79. Decorations
80. Video Games

Now go grab a pen and paper and make your own list!  :)

Whatsoever Things are Lovely ...

I am not good at writing consistently - obviously, look at this blog!  I have so many journals though.  Why?  I love paper!  Each time I purchase a new journal I think, this is The One!  This is the journal that is going to inspire me to record my life until the end.  Ha!

There is one journal in particular I absolutely loved, with rich brown leather and a magnetic snap that kept the cover closed when not in use.  (Which was most of the time.)  Although I felt it in my bones that this was The One .... it wasn't.  It's just me.  I have learned that is how I am.  I like to write, but it is not in my blood!

Years ago, I went through my collection of unfinished (hardly started, if I'm honest) journals from my much younger years.  I only kept one page out of all those books.  Fast-forward to my more 'mature' years and I found I had yet another stacks of unfinished (hardly started) journals again!  College years, not surprising, those were pretty easy to rid myself of.  I never set aside time to write, and I am thankful for my friendships that have carried on to the present.  No need to relive what I cannot change.  The lessons I learned have stuck with me, a play-by-pay is unnecessary.

My leather journal - not so easy to dismiss.  Those pages held my sincerest honesty; from things that have plagued my thoughts for years, to moments that forever altered the course of my life!  This journal has accompanied me from one journey to the next.  When I traveled it was not packed away ... oh no, it was in my carry-on.  I may not have written in it religiously, but these pages held my life.

Before picking up my special pen to start writing (that's right, I only use ONE type of pen for certain projects - don't judge! ☺), I would inevitably browse my previous entries.  Reading past-events that were so dramatic, at a specific moment in my life, exhausted me.  Instantly, I would be back-in-time feeling the pain and hurt all over again.  It would discourage me.  Even if I had something positive to add to my journal, I no longer felt the joy I had intended to record.  I would snap the journal close and tuck it back away, remembering everything that had transpired since starting my 'favorite' journal.

Surreal.  That is how I would define my life after a 'fresh' reading of my past.  As if I'm living someone else's life, because this is not how I had planned my life to turn out.  Why have I gone through what I have?  Where's the fairytale?  Who's living the life I planned?

Then shame, the feeling that would accompany the first.  How could I think this way?  In comparison to some; who, God bless them, have been put through trials and hardships that I cannot even begin to imagine,  I have Nothing to complain about.  I have been blessed.

Although writing all of this did serve its purpose at one time - that time has passed.  It just took me a little longer than it should to figure out. ;)  Since I have been trying to organize lately, there seemed to be no better time than the present to unburden myself of these memories I have no need to carry with me the rest of my journey. ~  Life is too short to allow the past to weigh us down. ~

There was no grand ceremony.  I broke the spine and tore out every entry in one chunk.  My favorite journal had been tainted by thoughts and memories that needed to heal - not be relived in the same scenario with no change.  Sitting in the wastebasket, beside my desk, were a collection of thoughts I was choosing to not relive again in written word.  Memories are memories and I may very well think about something those pages held, at some point down the road.  But just like writing served its purpose in healing, I think all these years later Not reading those events, and reliving those emotions, will as well.

~

At the beginning of this year I wanted to do something different in the way of journaling/recording 2015.  I decided on using cute crafting paper (since I love paper), cutting strips all the same size (since I'm stepping outside my comfort-box, but not wanting to go too crazy!), record my blessings on them, and then storing them all in a 'Jessica-Original' decorated mason jar.  (I haven't gotten to the mason jar part yet.)

This is what I have so far.  It's less stressful b/c I don't feel obligated to write Everyday.  Nothing is negative - why hang on to that?  And of course, I have to carry on by using my favorite pen for this special project too.  I try to give a date on the cards as well.  Then if I decide to use them in my scrapbooking, it will be helpful when putting the pages together.  I can read these and I'm uplifted, not discouraged.  These little cards take me back to a moment when I remember, 'Oh, yes!  That made me so happy.  God is SO good, all the time!"

".... Whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report ... 

think on these things."     Philippians 4:8

You Shouldn't Feel any Sharp Pain

I dread going to the dentist.  I am a very sensory based person and with all the scraping and tapping and suctioning it's enough to drive me completely insane.  It's like being forced to lie compliantly still while fingernails continually scratch a chalkboard.  *Ugh*  (If you're not shivering right now - you're obviously Not human!)  :)   haha

Mid to late August I started experiencing odd tooth pain.  I couldn't pin point which tooth, I just knew it HURT ... BADLY!!  And, it was only sporadic.  Twenty mintues after eating something I would get a weird - 'hmm, something doesn't feel right' pain.  After I'd stand up from a forward position - again - 20 minutes later, Whamo!  It was getting frustrating b/c I couldn't pin-point what was causing the pain.  I've had cavities before - things hurt Instantaneously!  What I was experiencing was not the same thing.  I could jump - no pain; Suck in air - no pain; Press around the area - no pain; and lastly - no swelling.  ??   I was stumped.   Started using Sensodyne and 'felt like' I was seeing/feeling an improvement, but now I'm not so sure I wasn't just 'willing it to work'!

Come the beginning of Sept., I started questioning if this new toothpaste was in fact helping at all.  And then, then came ... dun dun dun ... wait for it - The Weekend!   Saturday went shopping and as a treat got some Gelato.  Mmmmmm  If I would have known the pain I was about to endure I would have never taken a bite.   I was fine eating, and talking afterwards, but then we got in the car to head home.  Oh. My. Word.   I wanted to die.  I couldn't open my eyes.  I just rocked back and forth holding my face.  Applying pressure didn't help.   Nothing alleviated the mind-numbing pain!  As soon as I got home I buried my head under my pillows.  It probably took almost an hour for the pain to subside.  All I had for dinner (yes, I ate my Gelato prior to eating dinner - no judging), was a couple of bites of squash.  And that I just tried to swallow directly, avoiding ALL contact w/my ivories!

Sunday comes and I am Miserable.  (Yes, Miserable w/a Capital "M"!)  Friday evening and all day Saturday we had a Choir Seminar at church, and the director was going to lead us on Sunday morning and I really wanted to participate.  Do you know how HOT spotlights feel when all of a sudden you get a sudden tooth pain that makes you want to passout.  Yep - that was lots of fun.  Ohhh, and part of the seminar was to remember to S.M.I.L.E. to encourage the congregation.  (The irony)  All day it just felt like someone had a remote control to this pain and whenever they wanted to, they just flipped the switch and watched as I would go from laughing and conversing to trying to get away from mankind and find a dark hole to go and die!  Added w/the pain the fact I didn't know what was the cause, and it kept coming at willy-nilly times, was making me Lose.My.Mind!!!  (ps - made it through choir, and church -- there were moments I wasn't sure.)

Got home Sunday afternoon - and the pain kept coming and going and Growing, and I was unable to maintain a calm spirit.  I was crying and moaning at times when the pain was strong and lasting an incredibly long time.  Partly due to exhaustion and frustratioin I'm sure - but mostly b/c of the intensity.  I couldn't sit down to dinner w/everyone b/c I was having a spell - and I was laying on the couch crying w/a pillow over my face.   It passed and I was able to calm down.  And then I sat up - and just as quickly as it went away it came back.  And just as quickly as the tears had stopped they started pouring out of my eyes again.  I went to the dining room and barely able to talk somehow relayed that I needed to go to Urgent Care for some pain killers b/c I just couldn't take the pain any longer.

For the first part of the car ride - Ziltcho pain.  Then the buidling that I knew held the key to my relief (that little piece of paper w/2 miraculous letters "Rx")  was in sight and all of a sudden I was crippled over in pain again, just a complete wreck.  I've never run a marathon, but I hit a wall.  My legs were so worbly by the time the car parked I didn't know if I'd have the strength to get myself out of the car and walk through those doors.  I was so close, but in that moment it still felt so far away.  Fatigue and pain were my worse enemies.  Praise the Lord I made it to the check-in counter, and I only cried a little when the aide checked me in.

As we were waiting, the Fire Dept. showed up and wheeled a patient out on a stretcher.  The individual was older and looked at us and said, "Trade places w/ya."  Talk about heart breaking.  What would you say to that?  All I could muster was a sympathetic look and half a smile.  Still wonder if they're ok.  Still find myself praying for them.  Scolded myself a little for being a pansy.  Most likely I was not going to be dealing w/something life-threatening.  Started praying God would keep everything in the right perspective for me.

Nurse comes and calls my name.  *Rx is getting closer and closer*  Takes my blood pressure - Shocking - it's high ... umm yes, that happens when I can't calm myself down b/c I'm in intense pain.  She takes it again later and it was good - but she recorded the high one.  :(    I explain what's been happening - how I've even tried a neti pot in case it was sinus related - no relief.  Dr. comes in and after introducing himself asks why I'm smiling, to which I responded that I wasn't currently in pain, but that I'm sure That would change momentarily.  Question 2 was why haven't I seen a dentist yet?  Well, sir, there was a lot of confusion w/my symptons.  I couldn't put my finger on what was going on, and until this weekend the pain had only been sporadic, at best.  My day as a whole would be normal w/little bouts of pain; since late Friday evening my days were filled w/agonizing pain w/bouts of relief.  He grabbed a tongue depresser (which I realized later probably cost me $23.17!), and started pressing on my top right molars.  He didn't like how the one looked b/c there was a whole lot of metal going on.  Yep - that's what happens when you're a kid and a dentist tries to save your tooth from being a root canal.  Man he took that tongue depressor and practically lifted me off the examing table by my head!  Any takers on my pain level??    Zero!  ??  See!  What in the world!  If there was something wrong .. shouldn't that be KILLING me!!  The Dr. said he was on the fence about me.  He didn't see signs of a sinus infection, my throat was red (I'm assuming from my neti pot experience), but no other signs.  He didn't want to rule it out, so he put me on Amoxicillin and said that would clear up an infection if I had one, and if I didn't it would bring down any internal swelling I had.  Win/win.  I had to see a dentist That week, and he also prescribed Tylenol w/Codeine b/c he didn't want me to continue to be in pain (I'm glad we agreed about that!)

After beginning to take the pain killers, I realized how much I had been suffering.  How I made it to late Sunday afternoon was by the grace of God!  Arlene looked up dentists that are good w/nervous patients (b/c that's what I would be to say the least), and since I was back to work Monday morning (thankfully there were no random drug tests - ha!) Arlene made an appt for me that afternoon.  My appt was right when I should be taking another pain pill, but I forgo it just in case the dentist needs me to be a little more in tune to what I'm feeling (Mental note NEVER making That mistake again!).  Introductions are done, and in the chair I go - every last shaking bone, and frayed nerve!  X-rays are done, and then 3 individual tests are executed:  Poking, Tapping, Frozen Cotton Ball!  Test 1) - Tell me when this hurts ..... no pain, no pain, no pain, no p --   uhhhh ok - woaw!  I felt a little something there.    Test 2) Again - tell me when this hurts.  little tap - no; tap, tap - no; Tap Tap TA --- uhh uhh uhh OW!!   Yeah - that last one hurt!   Ok  - Last One.    Test 3)  You know the drill.  I'm just gonna keep this cotton ball by your tooth and you tell me when you feel something.  ....  dooo -dooo - daa-de-daaa  ....   (all of a sudden) -  Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!  Oh My Word!!  Sitting forward in the chair ALL the pain I had been covering up w/drugs for 24 hours has come RUSHING in and there's no going back.  In that moment I was regretting the fact my lil' white pills where at home, and I was now behind in my dosages.

The verdict:  Root Canal.  My tooth w/all the metal in it had a dead root and it needed to be removed.  An appt was made for Thurs. afternoon (9/11 no less) and I was sent on my way.  On the side (for free), fast forward to the next day when I'm driving my newly repaired car home from work, and all of a sudden stepping on the gas pedal produces NO exceleration.  Pull over to the side of the road where Nathan and the family come to my aide.  My fuel lines, which had been 'repaired', have gas pouring out, leaving a trail like I'm laying down a fuse line to ignite my car!  Had to have Goldie towed to the repair shop, all while still trying to take in I was about to have to put down some major G's on my mouth!  Overwhelmed doesn't even Begin to describe my state of mind.  Went to bed early - just wanting to escape life - woke up at 4:30 in pain b/c the drugs had worn off.  Took more, and then called the Dentist before leaving for work and left a message that I needed another Rx b/c the Urgent Care doctor did not give me a large prescription and there were no refills.  He was not dumb - he wanted me to see the dentist.  At the rate I needed to take the pills w/out any lapse time though I would be out before my procedure.  Got the extra pills And a sedative for the day of.  When I had that Rx filled I was VERY excited, b/c the instruction stated I was to take one before going to bed!  Whoo-Hoooooo  Best.Sleep.Ever!!!!  And then ... then the Big Day!

~    'Twas the night before my Root Canal    ~

Nervously followed the tech back to "the Room" where I put on my super comfy fuzzy socks -- b/c the doctor said I could bring a pillow, blanket, teddy bear - whatever I wanted to help me feel more comfortable.  My feet are always cold at the dentist if I wear sandals (and the sandals always want to fall off), and secure shoes just aren't comfy.  I LOVED having my fuzzy socks (Thanks to my niece Savannah - she picked them out for a C-mas gift!)

After I'm numbed up the Dr. says he can't do anything about the sound, or pressure, or vibrating but I shouldn't feel any Sharp Pain.  *Deep Breathe*   "ohhkhay"  (I slur out)   I tuck this little nugget of info into my brain - as flashbacks from my widom teeth removal come flooding back!  It begins - not pleasant, but getting done.  I have in my headphones and my eyes are tightly clenched behind the sunglasses they gave me ... I do NOT want to see any of the tools they are passing back and forth ... I don't want to see Anything!!

Quite a ways in it happens.  *ZZZZzzzAAAAaPP*  A pain so sharp it was like losing at 'Operation', but the Home Alone 2 voltage version!  Afraid to make any sudden movements because I don't want him to 'slip' w/whatever he's doing and cut my lip or something.  But involuntarily I Screech .. LOUDLY .. jerk up and down rapidly like I had just had a cardiac defibrillator used on me, and lift up my right arm with my index finger pointed up.  My tooth has a square shield covering my mouth hole attached by a rubberband.   Somehow I garble out - what is suppose to sound like "Sharp Pain".  I have no clue how the dentist or the tech are able to translate Anything I jarble.  The dentist in a shocked tone says: "You felt that?!"  YHeeeehhh -  Ih ehh u harh haih   *wimper*   deep breathes/panting    A few moments later - I could just rewrite that last sentence - only difference I Scaaaareamed Much louder  and started crying a little.  Again, the doctor repeats shocked, "You felt that?!!?!!"  A little more panicked I give my same reply (Translation:  "Yes - I felt a sharp pain")  It wouldn't happen, and then it would - each time my body's natural reaction was getting more uncontrollable.  I was actually starting to freak out that I wouldn't be able to lay there much longer, b/c I just wanted to roll from side to side and hide my open mouth.  Tears were just pouring down my temples into my ears, my whole body was shaking, I was trying to grab onto anything, practically sitting on my hands b/c I didn't want them to involuntarily shoot up and cause the doctor to mess up.  I knew we were at a point where we had come 'too far.'  Whatever he was doing, he couldn't just stop.  I didn't want to be one of "those" patients that was hysterical for no reason - but I think it's natural for you to express yourself when you feel your mouth has been hooked up to a live outlet, and you keep getting shocked out of your socks.  (Quite literally b/c my one fuzzy sock was almost completely off b/c I was pushing my feet together, one on top of the other each time I was 'electrocuted'!!)

Finally it stopped.  He stopped.  I was laying there trying to calm down.  My heart was beating so fast I know I was near a heart attack.  My whole being was so tense, w/each stuttered breath I would shake harder and harder.  The doctor removed his mask and was apologizing and patting my shoulder.  He said he had never had anyone not take to the anesthesia.  (While I'm still whimpering and trying to get composed I'm literally thinking:  Leave it to Me!!)  I can't relay anything even though he took the sheild done b/c it is Impossible to close my mouth w/whatever he's got on my tooth - it feels 3xs larger than normal.  He continues to tell me he got the filling out, he removed the root, he finished cleaning one nerve and he was on the 2nd one - the last one - and he has tried putting the anesthesia directly on it, and the nerve is just not taking it.  That would explain all the pain.  After he learned I could still feel it, he was touching it directly over and over and over w/the numbing agent but my nerve was rejecting it.  Now that I have some knowledge I feel a little better, although it was not encouraging news at all - b/c now I'm thinking - what do we do now.  He continues to say, we can do one of two things.  He doesn't want me to go through anymore pain.  We can stop right now, he can put in a temporary filling and I can come back and he can try again. Or he can try a different numbing agent and drill a different side of a my tooth until the nerve has a chance to take to this other material.  (I don't remember the logistics b/c I just wanted someone to hit me w/a mallet at this point to put me out of my misery!)  I stutter out, in between irregular breathes, tears still rollin' down, "wuhh woo yhu o??"  In my head I'm thinking ... I hope it's Plan #2, and I hope it works, b/c I physically cannot take anymore of the pain being inflicted on me, and if we go w/Plan#1 I will have to be knocked on conscious and carried to the car to even get here b/c I cannot see me coming back short of a complete and utter breakdown!  He paused, and almost hesitantly put his mask back up - and I don't remember if there was another round of pain or not.  Then there were some loud sounds.  And then randomly he says - Can you feel that?  And calm as a cucummber I said "yohe"  (Nope)  Shortly after that he asks again.  "Yohe Ih hihe" (Nope, I'm Fine)  Night and Day difference.  Finally able to relax.  Ahhhh

Although relaxed now - several minutes later all of a sudden, I'm just done.  I'm tired of my mouth being open, I want all the noises to stop, I don't feel right.  I just want to roll over on my side, put a pillow over my head and make it dark.  And then it hits me.  I feel Really warm - from my cheeks to my toes.  I start flailing my hands back and forth "Ihe oh eeh oohh"  (I don't feel good)   I CANNOT believe this is happening to me.  I joke about losing it, and flipping out, and having breakdowns - but I am Seriously having one.  NO joke this time.  I feel like I want to puke.  What is going on?!  I didn't think my 'fear' of the dentist was This strong!  The doctor says quickly - do you need to sit up?   Uhh huh uhhh huh uhhh huh  - I just keep repeating that.  And then I realize ... I Am About To Be Sick!!  This chair motorizing to an upright position at .00001 milliseconds per hour is Not going to cut it.  "Ih u oih oo ee ihhh -- ih a oo uuuuuuu"   (I am going to be sick - I have to puke) To which the doctor starts saying - 'Do you need the sink?  Get her to the sink.'  Trays and tools starts clanking as things are quickly being rearranged to clear a path to the sink.  I made it - and the entire time I was reliving my pbj I was thinking - I canNOT believe I am vomitting!!   If I were the tech - I would have been like - see ya doc - I do NOT get paid enough for this!  I will Never forget that moment as long as I live!  I've been humbled many times .... that tops them ALL!  I tried 'rinsing' which consisted of my bobbing my head back and forth (which is great fun when you're so lightheaded you can barely stand) b/c I can't close my mouth b/c of my tooth feeling 3xs larger than it's normal size.  As I hobbled back to the chair the doctor asked if I had taken my pain med And my sedative.  (I'm not even going to type what I sounded like ... just know, playing it out in charades probably would have been easier!)  I had taken a pain pill 3 hrs before coming and the sedative right before I left.  He looked like - Huh - well that shouldn't have caused it then.  But then I added, I was so tense, and upset, and worked up from the sharp pain - I could have easily have puked solely from that w/out any meds.  Even through all of this I felt the need to 'lighten the moment', so before laying back down I say - sure am glad I went w/a pbj for lunch and not mexican.  They both laughed - even if it was a courtesy laugh (which I don't believe it was) - it made me feel better.  After that it was only a few more minutes and everything was done.

Although it was a complete disaster of an experience I'm not upset - and I'm only a little nervous about going back to have the crown put on.  I know why I feel this way.  When it was all said and done this doctor had apologized so much for the pain I had endured.  He said he had really wanted me to have a good experience b/c he knew I was nervous.  Most of the time ppl hear horror stories and then they have a root canal and they're like - woaw - that wasn't bad at all!  He restated how he's not had a patient that did not take to the novocaine - even when he put it Directly on the nerve!  I told him I had to be numbed-up 4 times when my wisdom teeth were removed.  - Lucky Me -  He just kept apologizing for all the pain he had put me through.  At first I said - well, you caused me a lot of pain - I got sick in your sink - I think we're even.  But he brought it back around like - no, I'm not going to joke this one off.  So then I got serious and said, If he would have said - I'm almost done, just hang in there, it'll only hurt for a little more, I would not come back.  The fact that he tried putting the novocaine directly on the nerve and then stopped when that still was not taking and gave me an option as to what I wanted to do - That was huge to me.  He also listened to me at the end when I said the temporary felt rough on my tongue.  He said that was probably some flash - and he put his mask back on and buffed it out.  It's a temporary - he could have easily have said - it'll be fine til you come back next week.

Finally shuffled out to the waiting room.  Found out nothing was sacred.  Arlene heard me screeching, and crying, and screaming, and "gagging".  If there was anyone else in the waiting room, I'm sure I scared them off.

Only took one pain pill before bed b/c I wasn't sure what to expect - but come morning, I was fine.  A little tender/soar - but overall - Healed!!  Now I'm drug free and thanking God for dentists!!  :)